Everything about college is socially oriented. A student lives, studies, and shares downtime with friends. The perception of a student’s identity in college is often found in the groups they are connected to, the teams they play on, and the offices they serve in a student organization. College is a culture that thrives on community.
In high school, your son or daughter has probably been involved in many social groups as well. There are school clubs and teams, youth groups, and Christian organizations. One might assume that a healthy social life in high school will equal a healthy social life in college, but that is not necessarily true.
The difference between the two is accountability.
Though often exaggerated, the college party stereotypes projected in movies can be near reality, and college students often feel permission to join in on a lifestyle that lives up the media’s expectations.
This does not mean that teenagers will automatically fall into this life of nightly drinking, open drug use, and one-night stands, but they will certainly be in the vicinity of this behavior with the option to participate. This is why there needs to be addressing this Social Behavior component in these last several months before college is crucial. Just because a teenager acts one way in high school will not guarantee that they will continue to behave the same way in college. Conversations are key!
It Shouldn’t Be About Morals One of the big mistakes that a parent can make when dealing with social behaviors is to hang it on the mantle of being morally good. A desire to be a good boy or a good girl is a standard without borders. Committing to a moral behavior without any other understanding of the reasons behind this commitment is a weak defense to the pressures of our society. Students who go off to college with this expectation will often crumble quickly.
Instead of basing behavior on looking and acting good morally, we should teach our kids to be faithful and pure because that is who God called us to be. If every believer is called to be the light of the world (Matthew 5), then this should include how we act in public and private places. 2 Timothy 2:15 says, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.” Colossians 3:17 says, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” These verses remind us how to act as well as why we should act in such a way. We belong to God, as His children. We have been approved by God; therefore, any other approval by anyone else is unnecessary.
Therefore, whatever we do, we should do because of Whose we are and not how we want others to perceive us. As Philippians 4:8 reminds us, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” This is how we should also act. But how? How do we help anyone learn to live in such purity? Philippians 4:6-7 helps us answer that question: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” We are unable to maintain a life of good morals because that is a standard based on our own power. Instead, let the “peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” He is our power, and this distinction should be explained to students before they pack up a broken moral compass expecting it to guide them throughout life.
Working The Plan When thinking about teaching Christian teenagers how to act socially in college, one might focus solely on “sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll,” but we should instead go deeper into answering the why and help them connect their lifestyle choices to their identity and calling in Christ.
Social Behavior Conversations:
There are a number of important conversations that need to take place regarding behaviors. The top three topics I believe are drug/alcohol use, sex and dating, and social media. Each of these is relevant to the world your child will be entering after this summer. As stated earlier, conversations about these social behaviors should be tied to Scripture and will hopefully strengthen the student’s understanding of how God has called us to live.
Drug/alcohol use – In this area, parents and kids can find themselves all over the map of acceptance and understanding. Many parents send their child to college expecting them to get drunk every week, just like they once did. Personally, I believe it is a matter of a believer’s witness, based on 1 Corinthians 8. Because the subject is so taboo, I will allow you to approach it the way you think you need to. Keep in mind that it is a very important topic that must be addressed with your child so that he knows your feelings and expectations, as well as a strong understanding of God’s.
Sex and Dating – Dating in college is a completely different enterprise than in high school. The freedoms, expectations, and even stakes feel higher. Even if it might feel uncomfortable, talk openly with your teenager about God’s heart and design for sexuality, exclusively within the boundaries of marriage. This is countercultural and needs to be shared with students, as the world is telling them otherwise. Author Marshall Segal writes, “Pursue clarity before intimacy.” Encourage your teenager to pursue clarity on the character of who they’re dating as well as clarity on the relationship and God’s guidance on it. Then, intimacy progressively follows.
Social Media – Social media is not going away. Once thought to be a fad, it has ushered in a new way of relating and communicating with others. Kids today are very savvy when it comes to social media and yet are still a little naive to the dangers of it. I have known college kids to not get jobs because of online profiles, pictures, and statements. In the moment, social media postings seem fun and carefree, but they linger and can come back to bite you. Having a conversation about responsible social media behaviors is critical. If you do not feel qualified to have such a conversation, find someone who is. Spend some time researching the problems and discuss them with your kids.
Social Behavior Studies:
For this category, let me reiterate the need to research topics of concern so that you can be well informed when you have conversations with your kids.
Social Behavior Action:
One way to help your child through taking action is to have them develop a list of social non-negotiables before starting college. A non-negotiable is something that, under no circumstance, would they ever think about doing. It is a last-stand commitment you have with yourself. One example of a college-related non-negotiable might be to never show up on test day without studying, to never get drunk, or to never be alone in a dorm room with someone of the opposite sex. These things can serve as guardrails to help keep your college student focused and possibly prevent them from falling into a trap that they can’t get out of. Once the list is made, the student should find someone to help keep them accountable.