While a lot of attention is put on the student’s transition to college, and rightfully so, the parents’ transition during this time can often be overlooked. The truth is a parent goes through many transitions as the child grows through the different stages of life, which I like to call the 5 C’s of Parenting.
The first stage is that of the Caregiver. This is the first stage a parent begins with as a baby is born and grows from infant to toddler. The Caregiver is meeting a child’s basic needs for nourishment, love, and growth in the child’s first several months in the world.
The next stage is that of the Cop. The Cop is raising a child from toddler to preschooler and into early grade school as the parent teaches the rules of authority and how to obey. The Cop establishes loving discipline for the protection and health of the child.
The third role is commonly referred to as the Coach. Depending on the maturity level of the child, this stage will hopefully begin in the early teenage years. The Coach gets to train and instruct the child on life.
The fourth stage is the one that you should either already be in with your senior or hoping to move into this year. This is the role of the Counselor. A Counselor is one who asks questions and has conversations; although still in authority, the Counselor is moreso in a role of reinforcing an already-laid foundation of learning rather than building from scratch, relying on trust, respect, and openness.
The final stage is Collaborator. This is an adult-to-adult relationship where the parent and son/daughter work together and teach each other through their relationship.
An important question to ask yourself is, Which of these roles am I primarily playing in my child’s life? You might find that you are still in the Coach stage with occasional signs of the Cop slipping in on weekends. My hope is that you see evidence of the Counselor in your relationship, or at the very least that you have a goal to head in that direction in these coming months.
The “Freedom Permit Year” will require at least a Pre-Counselor level in order to be effective. As your child approaches college as a young adult, they are desiring more freedom and are often more open to the responsibilities that come with that freedom. They also desire respect from their parents, even if they may not have necessarily earned it yet. My challenge to you is that you begin working towards that end, even if this means releasing a little more control that you are comfortable with giving at first.
Below I share the next part of this concept and some practical ways to step into this role, spend some time doing a self-evaluation and process this info. More tomorrow on the blog.